Abby: “Hey, you like baseball?”
Cosby: “Sure. Love the sport!”
Abby: “Hear about the new players with the Red Sox?”
Cosby: “Yeah, I heard something about it but I don’t know their names. I do know they replaced the old ball players on 1st, 2nd and 3rd base.”
Abby: “Yeah. The guy on 1st base? Herring Empared. How unreal is that?”
Cosby: “Sad to hear that.”
Abby: “What did you say?”
Cosby: “The guy on 1st base you just mentioned who can’t hear very well.”
Abby: “Oh no, no, no. He hears just fine.
Cosby: “What’s his name, again?”
Abby: “Herring Empared”
Cosby: “I asked you for his name but didn’t you just say that he can hear fine?”
Abby: “Yep.”
Cosby: “Seems like a contradiction here. Can he use the phone without any problems and talk and listen to other ball players without any problems?”
Abby: “Yes. You’re asking odd questions. I just told you, he hears perfectly fine.”
Cosby: “I see. And the name of the new guy on 1st base you just mentioned earlier? Maybe I missed what you said but first I'm pretty sure you did say hearing impaired?”
Cosby: “Yep! Correct! Right there on the nose, buddy”
Abby: “But you said he hears perfectly fine!”
Cosby: “Naturally.”
Abby: “You’re getting me confused.”
Cosby: “Speak for yourself.”
Abby: “Wise guy. Ok. What does his birth certificate say?”
Cosby: “Read my lips carefully. The birth certificate says ‘Herring Empared.’ ”
Abby: "I didn’t ask for his medical birth condition. Didn’t you hear me what I just asked for? What are you? Deaf?”
Cosby (looking a little confused himself): “No."
Abby: "Ok. Let move away from 1st base and go to 2nd base. What's the guy's name on 2nd base?
Cosby: Funny you should ask. The new guy on 2nd base with the odd name is Vary Def.”
Abby: “He’s hearing impaired, too?”
Cosby: “No, that would be the guy on 1st base, Herring Empared.”
Abby: “C’mon! What now? Are you going to tell me that those players on 1st and 2nd base communicate with each other through signing with their hands?”
Cosby: “No. That would be between the pitcher and catcher. The catcher does that hand signal thing to the pitcher. Herring Empared and Vary Def are normal people. They do have strange names but normal people nonetheless.”
Abby: “What strange names? I didn't hear any! And did you say 'normal people' ? Like hearing people?"
Cosby: “You are one strange dude. Of course, they’re normal like hearing people.”
Abby: “I’m the strange dude? Look at you. You just told me those basemen players can’t hear very well.”
Cosby: “No. That’s not true. However, the guy on 3rd base has a hearing loss.”
Abby: “Hearing impaired?”
Cosby: “No. That would be the guy on 1st base, Herring Empared.”
Abby: “Knock it off! You’re making me angry and confused here!”
Cosby: “Certainly you do look confused.”
Abby: “Aaargh! Ok. Ok. How does the 3rd baseman communicate to the 1st and 2nd basemen players?”
Cosby: “Oh, that’s easy. He doesn’t talk. You should know that. He’s famous and he’s quite the controversial player. You ought to know his name.”
Abby: “Mute?”
Cosby: “Yeaaah. How did you know?"
Abby: “Just a wild guess since you said he doesn't talk.”
Cosby: “What does his not talking to the 1st and 2nd basemen have to do with his name? You know, Hees Muwt.”
Abby: “What the hey...? What name? Ok. Let's back up for a minute. You said he doesn’t hear very well?”
Cosby: “Yes, true.”
Abby: “And you said he is unable to communicate to the 1st and 2nd basemen players.”
Cosby: “No. I said he doesn’t communicate to the 1st and 2nd basemen players because he’s angry at them for a reason. That's what makes him so controversial!”
Abby: “So, he talks fine?”
Cosby: “Certainly. Just his voice sounds a little funny. He’s angry at those baseball players, Vary Def and Herring Empared, for making fun of his voice. And that’s why he doesn’t want to talk to the 1st and 2nd basemen players.”
Abby: “He's mute?”
Cosby: “Yes. Hees Muwt. Born in Norway. You know, having a hearing loss with a funny Norwegian accent could probably make a few people snicker, but I digress.”
Abby: “Knock it off! You’re confusing me!”
Cosby: “Hmmm. You certainly do look confused. Maybe you need a vacation?”
Abby: “Let me get this straight. The guy on 3rd base, he's mute? He can talk but not to the 1st and 2nd basemen players?”
Cosby: “Right so far.”
Abby: “But it wouldn’t matter on trying to talk those people either very deaf or hearing impaired since they can't hear anyway. And that mute guy? He can't communicate to those people because he can't talk to them anyway in the first place! ”
Cosby: “Why are you bringing up their names for? Those baseball players, Vary Def and Herring Empared, hear just fine."
Abby: “What names!!?”
Cosby: “And why do you keep saying that the Muwt guy cannot talk?
Abby: “You just said he's mute. ”
Cosby: “Yeah. Hees Muwt. And you have a problem with that or what? He speaks fine. Just that he has a funny little “accent," that’s all.”
Abby: “Aaargh. Ok. Lemme get this straight. You say that mute guy on 3rd base talks fine and has a bit of a hearing loss. And that he can talk to very deaf and hearing impaired basemen players without any problem. He doesn’t use sign language because the 3rd baseman, that mute guy, can talk to them anyway yet he doesn’t want to communicate to the 1st and 2nd basemen players because they made fun of his voice?
Cosby: “I think you got that in a nutshell.”
Abby: “I think I
do need a vacation....from you!”
Cosby: “By the way, there’s a funny story behind those three basemen players and their grandfathers. They use to play pro baseball with the Yankees and played as basemen, too!”
Abby: “No kiddin? 1st, 2nd and 3rd base?”
Cosby: “Yeah. Talk about historical irony. They're not around anymore to see this happen with the Red Sox.”
Abby: “What were their names? Starting with 1st base.”
Cosby: “Who.”
Abby: “The guy on 1st base?”
Cosby: “I said, Who.”
Abby: "
Who is on 1st base?"
Cosby (Looks away from him, folds his arms, rolls his eyes, sighs loudly and reponds very quietly): “Correct.”
Abby (He mockingly cups his ear): “What?”
Cosby: “That would be the 2nd baseman.”
Abby: “Who?”
Cosby: “He’s on first base. And on 3rd base, I Don’t Know.”
Abby: “Aaarggh! And you said you knew their names! Get away from me you freak of nature! I am going on a vacation!”
Courtesy of Mike McConnell. Author of "Vary Def, Herring Empared and Hees Muwt."